As Christians, many of us have been taught to lean into the “positive” emotions—joy, gratitude, peace—and to avoid the “negative” ones like anger, grief, or discomfort.

But what if the real divide isn’t between positive and negative?
What if it’s between comfortable and uncomfortable?

That shift matters. Especially when it comes to how we show up in conversations about social and cultural issues.

The Discomfort We Don’t Know What to Do With

We’re quick to celebrate unity.
We love the language of love.
But when racism, injustice, gender dynamics, classism, or inequity surface, many of us freeze. Get quiet. Change the subject.

Not necessarily out of malice—but out of discomfort.

We’ve been discipled into emotional avoidance:

• Sad? Quote a Bible verse.

• Angry? “Just pray about it.”

• Uncertain? “God’s in control.”

• Uncomfortable? “Let’s just focus on the Gospel.”

None of those responses are inherently wrong—but they can become spiritual bypasses when we use them to avoid tension instead of engaging it.

Jesus Didn’t Bypass Discomfort

Jesus didn’t avoid messy conversations or hard truths.

He sat with the woman at the well, knowing the cultural and social discomfort it would cause.
He touched the skin of a leper.
He defended the woman caught in adultery.
He flipped tables in the temple—not out of rage, but righteous grief.
He wept.
He listened.
He called things what they were.

Jesus leaned into discomfort for the sake of love, justice, and healing.

What If the Holy Spirit Is Using Discomfort to Grow Us?

When a conversation around race, privilege, poverty, or gender makes us uneasy…
When a story challenges what we’ve always assumed to be true…
When a lived experience doesn’t match our theology…

That doesn’t mean we’re being led astray.

It might mean we’re being invited deeper.

Into empathy.
Into understanding.
Into a Gospel that isn’t just true—but transforming.

Discomfort Isn’t Dangerous—Avoidance Might Be

Spiritual maturity isn’t measured by how quickly we return to comfort.
It’s shown in how faithfully we stay present in discomfort long enough to let God move through it.

Next time you feel that inner resistance, instead of running from it, ask:

“Holy Spirit, what are you trying to show me here?”

Because sometimes the most sacred work starts in the most uncomfortable places.

And Jesus meets us there.

If this stirred something in you…
You’re not alone. These conversations aren’t easy—but they matter deeply.

Sit with it. Pray through it. And maybe… start the conversation.

You can forward this post to a friend, bring it to your small group, or reach out to me directly—I’d love to hear what resonated or what you’re wrestling with.
You don’t have to walk alone.

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Hi! I’m Torrie
If you’re new here, WELCOME! I’m so glad you stopped by. You can learn more about me (Torrie), the heart behind Mixed.oloy, and the services I provide on my website. Let’s connect! I’d love to meet you and hear your story!

Meet Torrie

I didn’t grow up learning about or celebrating Juneteenth. When it came to the national forefront a few years ago, I started to learn. I listened to stories, followed social media feeds, and watched documentaries to understand its significance.

If I’m honest, a lot of what I learned made me uncomfortable—but I sat in the discomfort, determined to gain understanding for a history and experience apart from my own.

That discomfort, learning, and understanding grew into empathy and compassion. Now, I guide church teams to explore how Jesus modeled a life that blends discipleship and diversity—with Juneteenth being one of many meaningful entry points.

Why?

Because we are called to serve.
We’re called to make disciples.
We’re called to love.

But how can we do that if we don’t have empathy and compassion for the pain someone is carrying?
How do we serve if we aren’t willing to listen to their true need?
How do we listen if we’re always quick to give advice or move past the hard stuff?

Some might argue that conversations around Juneteenth—or topics tied to cultural tension, historical wounds, or social complexity—don’t belong in church.

But if we are to model our lives after Jesus, we can’t shy away from the uncomfortable.
Throughout the Gospels, we find Jesus stepping directly into the tensions of His time:

• He engaged the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), breaking racial, religious, and gender norms to offer dignity and truth.

• He called out injustice in the temple (Matthew 21:12–13), confronting systems that oppressed the poor and exploited the vulnerable.

• He healed a Roman centurion’s servant (Luke 7:1–10), showing compassion even to those who represented an occupying and unjust regime.

Jesus didn’t avoid the cultural, social, or political barriers of His day. He stepped through them with truth, compassion, and empathy.

Juneteenth gives us that same opportunity.

It’s not just a historical date—it’s a window into the lived pain, resilience, and faith of generations. For the Church, understanding Juneteenth isn’t about politics. It’s about people. It’s about discipleship. And it’s about love.

If you’re a church leader who wants to lead with humility and compassion but isn’t sure where to start, I’d love to help. I offer staff trainings, small group facilitation, and consulting that create safe, grace-filled spaces for these hard and holy conversations.

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to be willing to get proximate.
Juneteenth invites us to listen, learn, and love more like Jesus.
If your church is ready to lean in—with grace and courage—I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Let’s start the conversation.

Curiosity is an opportunity to grow.
If this helped you see Juneteenth in a new light, consider sharing it with someone walking the same road.

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As I stood in our kitchen waiting for my second cup of liquid energy to finish brewing, I glanced outside. It’s a beautiful, mild morning in Las Vegas. The kind that invites you to take in the peace, solitude, and 80º temperatures on the back patio before the triple digits return. Our backyard, like most in the city, is surrounded by an 8-foot-high cinderblock wall, which we have hidden with equally tall flowering oliander hedges and rose bushes, not because they’re my favorite plants, but because I don’t have a green thumb and these seem to be the only two things I can keep alive in my yard.

Living in the desert but being from the Midwest, my husband and I need to incorporate as much “green” into the shades of brown surrounding us (hence the number of shrubs). And I like a splash of color to brighten things up, so the green has to include some flowers. I can always count on my favorite rose bush to be the star of the backyard. At its seasonal peak, the sheer weight of the full blooms often causes the plant to bow and bend. And the aroma! I’m not a fan of rose-scented items like lotions or candles, but the intoxicating sweetness from this one plant permeates our backyard!

Earlier in the week, I noticed several baby buds sprouting around the plant. But as I waited in my kitchen, I noticed a deep red color emanating from their tight-green cocoons.

I smiled as I sipped my coffee. I love it when my backyard is in full bloom! I made my way outside to take a closer look, and that’s when it struck me—we are just like these blooms. While we all have the opportunity to blossom, some of us (like these flowers) may not experience the fullness of the beauty God has created in us.

What???
Let me explain.

Maybe you’re familiar with the parable Jesus told about the farmer who scattered his seeds, some landing on rocky soil, some on hard soil, the wind blew some away, and some fell on healthy soil and took root (Matthew 13:1-23, Mark 4:11-20, Luke 8:4-15). While I stared at these rose buds, I had another thought: just because a plant takes root doesn’t mean it reaches its full potential. Looking at the variety of blooms on the bush, I recognized three possible outcomes for these new flowers on the cusp of blooming:

1. Burnt by the Sun

It’s not uncommon for flowers to become victims of the harsh desert heat. Exposure to direct sunlight during a Vegas summer with consecutive days topping out at over 100ºF has a damaging impact. While the color remains, the bud never reaches maturity. It remains stuck. And although the plant is still healthy and green, that particular flower’s petals become singed and burnt.

Maybe you feel the same. You’ve been burned by life and experiences. You’re tired of showing up, exhausted from trying, burned out from obligations and responsibility. You’re fragile…brittle…and ready to break.

2. Consumed by Bugs

If heat is one of my roses' biggest enemies, then aphids are the other. Ugh!! These tiny bugs are such a nuisance. Their green color allows them to camouflage into the plant, making them hard to spot but no less destructive. They attach themselves to the stem and premature buds, sucking their sap and preventing them from blooming.

Maybe you can identify. You have people around you who appear to be on your side but are silently draining you. They’re sucking your joy, your creativity, and your ability to dream, leaving you feeling too small and insignificant to be used by God.

3. Robbed of Water

If heat and bugs are the biggest enemies of my roses, then water (and shade) are their greatest need. It’s not a secret that plants need water to grow. However, in the desert, water is a precious commodity. While rare and valuable, it’s essential. Without it, the bloom will wither, and eventually, the plant will die.

Maybe you feel the same way. Dry. Thirsty. You’ve been trying to grow, trying to bloom, trying to do all the things, but you can’t remember the last time you paused for a drink. Jesus said HE is the Living Water, apart from which we can do nothing. But, if we’re honest, that's exactly how we try to accomplish the mission He’s given us…on our own, apart from Him. No rest. No sabbath. No water.

Looking at each of the blooms on the edge of so much beauty, I felt a twinge of sadness. I wondered, “How many of us are also on the cusp of blooming where we’re planted, but we’re allowing the heat from life, the negative voice around us, or the lack of Water to rob us of experiencing the fullness God has for us AND the world from the beauty that will come of it?”

Then He reminded me of one more possible outcome…FULL BLOOM!

In John 15:1-5, Jesus calls Himself the Vine. And when we stay connected to Him, He will allow us to bloom fully in His perfect timing. He will shelter us from the heat. He will protect our thoughts and emotions from negativity and distraction. He will refresh and restore our thirsty souls. When we stay connected to Jesus, we will experience His fullness, becoming a sweet fragrance and radiating beauty that draws others to Him.

So often, we settle for survival when Jesus invites us to flourish. But full bloom isn’t about striving—it’s about staying rooted in Him, trusting His timing, and receiving what only He can provide.

Reflection
Where in your life might you be on the edge of blooming—but feel held back by burnout, negativity, or spiritual dryness? If you feel comfortable sharing, I’d love to chat with you. You can drop a comment or email me at torriesorge@gmail.com.

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Invitation
If this resonated with you, take a moment to pause with Jesus today.
And if you want more encouragement around diversity and discipleship, I’d love to invite you to subscribe to Mixed.ology.

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Planning a leadership retreat, team training, or church conference? I’d be honored to come alongside your group with biblical insight and grace-filled guidance that inspires deeper connection and gospel-rooted belonging.

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Learn More About Torrie
If you’re new here, WELCOME! I’m so glad you stopped by. You can learn more about me (Torrie), the heart behind Mixed.oloy, and the services I provide on my website. Let’s connect! I’d love to meet you and hear your story!

Meet Torrie

Mamie Tape Takes A Stand is the true story of Mamie Tape, a Chinese-American girl who fought for the right to an equal education. While many of us are familiar with the landmark case, Brown vs. the Board of Education and the story of Ruby Bridges, few know the story and cases that preceded it. Mamie Tape is one such case.

I asked Maire to share her heart and purpose behind writing Mamie’s story. I pray her words both enlighten and challenge you. Enjoy!

Interwoven Histories Inspire Mamie Takes a Stand

At the start of COVID in 2020, I read Separate is Never Equal, by Duncan Tonatiuh, aloud to my six-year-old daughter, who had chosen it from her school’s online library. “Interesting choice,” I thought to myself. The familiar phrase reminded me of the landmark Supreme Court case of Brown v. Board of Education in 1954, but the focus of this picture book biography was a Latina girl named Sylvia Mendez, not Linda Brown. I mistakenly assumed this story would be set in the deep South–wasn’t that where most of the segregated schools were located during this time period? 

As I kept reading, more cities were listed that had segregated schools: El Modena, Garden Grove, Santa Ana, and Westminster; cities not far from the neighborhood where I grew up in Orange County, California. As a child, my family often drove to Little Saigon in Westminster to enjoy a delicious Chinese meal. I reflected on all the countless times we went to dine on dim sum, yet I never knew this Chinese restaurant was a mile away from where the Mendez case had taken place in 1947. 

For many years, I taught second and third grade just north of OC (Orange County) in Los Angeles, where the majority of my students came from families whose parents had immigrated from Mexico. Even the focus of my master’s project had been on multicultural children’s literature, and I had intentionally selected picture books for my class where the cultural heritage of my students would be represented. How had I never learned this history of separate Mexican schools in California?

I flipped to the back of Separate is Never Equal. I wanted to learn as much as I could about the case of Mendez et al v. Westminster et al. I looked up references in the bibliography. I was curious about this important piece of history that hit so close to home. One rabbit trail led to another, and suddenly, this case became even more personal. In my research of school segregation cases, I discovered that an eight-year-old Chinese American girl, Mamie Tape, was denied entrance into her local public school in San Francisco in 1884. What?! The Chinese weren’t allowed to go to public schools in California too? How did I not know about separate Chinese schools? Immediately, I saw myself reflected in the pages of history.

I passionately searched for anything I could find about the Tape v. Hurley case. I dug through online archives, articles, documentaries, and photographs; read books about Asian American history; and interviewed historians, professors, Chinese elders, and the Tape family descendants. While I was researching the Tape v. Hurley case, which happened during the time of the 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act, many Chinese Americans were experiencing anti-Asian hate during the height of the COVID pandemic. My heart mourned for the harm and violence done toward the elderly in my Chinese community as they were simply walking down the street to shop for groceries, meet a friend, take the bus, or exercise. The rhetoric of blaming and scapegoating the Chinese for this new disease seemed so similar to the articles I had been researching from the late 1800s. How could I raise awareness and help prevent history from repeating itself? 

I remembered how I had learned about Sylvia Mendez through reading a children’s book. Busy parents would take 20 minutes to read a bedtime story to their child, just like I did when I read Separate is Never Equal to my daughter. When I began my research in 2020, there hadn’t been any picture book biography written about Mamie Tape yet. That’s when I knew I had to write this story.

One significant primary source that struck a chord in my heart was a letter that Mamie Tape’s mother had written to the school board that was published in a California newspaper. Mrs. Mary Tape boldly spoke up against the racial discrimination Mamie and her family had experienced: “Is it a disgrace to be Born a Chinese? Didn’t God make us all!!! What right! have you to bar my children out of the school because she is a Chinese Decend?” Mrs. Tape wasn’t afraid to speak up against injustice and how segregation was incongruent with the board members’ outward piety: “I suppose, you all goes to churches on Sundays! Do you call that a Christian act to compell my little children to go so far to a school that is made in purpose for them.” 

 I knew I wanted to quote Mrs. Tape’s letter in my book, Mamie Takes a Stand, but I struggled with whether or not to correct Mrs. Tape’s non-standard English. I decided to quote Mrs. Tape’s words precisely how she wrote them in 1885. I wanted to emphasize that even if you’re an immigrant and don’t write with impeccable English grammar or spelling, you can still stand up when you see or experience injustice. Your voice matters; you have inherent worth and value because you have been made in the image of God.

In a well-known letter, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote on April 16, 1963 (exactly 78 years after Mrs. Mary Tape’s letter was published on April 16, 1885) from a Birmingham jail: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” 

Interestingly, the Mendez et al case occurred because the Mendez family was leasing and caring for the Munemitsu farm, which belonged to a Japanese American family that had been unjustly forced to move to an incarceration camp during World War II.  The Mendez case surprisingly had an Asian American connection. Our lives and histories are more interwoven than we think. We need to stand together in solidarity.

Mamie Tape’s case began 70 years before Brown v. Board of Education.

Mendez et al v Westminster et al was decided 7 years before Brown v. Board of Education.

This year, 2024, marks the 70th anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education. 

Each case built on another. 

I hope my book, Mamie Takes a Stand: The True Story of Mamie Tape, a Chinese American Girl’s Fight for School Rights, will help readers grow in empathy and respect for others and see how our histories are interconnected. When we see each person as having inherent worth and created in the image of God, it will bring us closer to creating a more just and compassionate world. 

Wrap up

If you’re like me, you find yourself like Marie asking, “How did I not know? Why wasn’t this part of our history lessons?” While it’s true, that we don’t know what we don’t know, it’s also true that the answers are there if we choose to look. And our histories are more connected than we might assume.

Like Mamie, Marie faced obstacles, roadblocks, setbacks, and disappointments as she struggled to give a voice to this important story and piece of history. And like Mamie, Marie preserved. She didn’t give up. As a result, we have the opportunity to learn about Mamie Tape’s impact!

I strongly believe that children’s books are a great way to learn no matter our age. My personal library is a collection of both children's and adult books because both have value. So please don’t allow the fact that this is a children’s book to give it (or any children’s book) less credibility. These narratives have a way of explaining and connecting with us even as adults in a beautiful way.

Marie also includes an added bonus at the end of the book that you won’t want to miss. Since I love spoilers, I really want to share it, but I won’t. (Ahhh! It’s so cool. I really want to tell you!)

Mamie Tape Takes a Stand is a must-have for your home and school library! Click below to order your copy today! Actually, grab one for you and one for a friend, school, or local library.

Buy Mamie Tape Takes A Stand

Follow Marie on Instagram, Facebook or her website.

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Recently, I was invited to lead a session on the importance of diversity and inclusion to a group of church youth leaders. I was thrilled to receive the invitation! Although I love sharing and discussing this topic, I was more excited because I’d been praying for an open door with this church for some time. This invitation was an answer to prayer!

As I began outlining my content to address the specific needs of this group (something I do every time I teach or speak), I realized that the leadership and I were each stepping into potentially unstable territory. While comments about God’s heart for diversity had been made by senior leadership during Sunday messages, and the church is known to be a multi-ethnic place of worship, welcoming people from all backgrounds, ethnicities, and cultures, a class or training like this had never been offered to their volunteers. This would be a first!

When we met to finish collaborating on my content and their objective, I commended the Next Gen team on their courage. I wanted them to understand that while I present my sessions from a Jesus-centered perspective with grace, humility, and supported scriptures, feathers can still get ruffled, and people can become upset or offended. While it wasn’t requested, I also shared my slides and handout exercises early for approval so that no one would be surprised or caught off-guard. The way I see it, even though I have the experience, training, and certification to teach and train on the topics of diversity, inclusion, and equality, that doesn’t mean I can present this sensitive material without the knowledge and approval of the leadership because afterward, they will have to address and hard conversations.

After an hour-long meeting, we all agreed on the content that would be presented, including a handout that I wanted the attendees to do during the workshop. Let’s be honest: after a training or workshop, very few people actually complete all of the worksheets in the folder on their own time. The one I included was foundational to identifying some of the barriers in our lives that keep us from seeing and loving others the way Jesus does.

Although I wasn’t scheduled to speak until the second day of the leader training weekend, I attended the first night to be with the team and have an idea of the environment. That night, two pastors from the church spoke on the importance of being an Emotionally Healthy Leader. They stressed that apart from God, we can do nothing, provided practical tips and tools to assess our own emotional health, and suggested additional resources, specifically The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and the World by Peter Scazzero. While this was incredible and necessary content, the pastors issued a challenge that stood out to me. A warning, really…that when God wants to transform an area of your life, you’re going to feel a wrestling, an unsettledness, an undescribable level of discomfort. They went on to encourage the attendees to resist the urge to ignore these feelings, get upset, or even leave. “Lean in,” they said. “Ask God for clarity and wisdom. Don’t let the discomfort scare you.”

Little did I know then how much I would rely on these words of wisdom during my session.

I arrived the next morning excited for what God had in store. As I made my way to the breakfast table for a cheese danish and a cup of coffee, one of the leaders whisked me into a side room where I was informed that an attendee from the previous evening was very upset with the handout exercise that would be covered in my session (yes, the same one that I’d submitted for approval). Attendees had received folders when they arrived the night before, complete with handouts and information for each session throughout the training. Without any context, the individual had become enraged that a church would be talking about the dreaded “P” word…privilege.

The leadership team handled the situation with both grace and courage. While the person wanted the workshop canceled, the team remained steadfast, understanding the value and importance of presenting diversity and inclusion to their leaders.

There was a time when this situation would have completely spun me. I would have second-guessed my content, choosing to rewrite it in the moment, eliminating anything that might be considered offensive in any way. Not this time. As I listened to the staff member convert the attendee’s concerns and position, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I’d been prayerful over the content, this event, and the church. This wasn’t a personal attack on me. This was a direct reflection of what the pastors had warned about the previous evening…this was the Holy Spirit at work digging up the soil in this individual’s life. This was the upset, uncomfortable wrestling they had warned against.

Maybe you’re wondering:
”How do you know that’s what was going on? “
”How do you know it wasn’t just an angry, narrow-minded person?”

I don’t. But I do know what I’ve experienced in my own life. And I know what we had been praying for…and I know the challenge that the pastors presented the night before regarding what transformation looks and feels like. This situation checked every box.

I remember what it felt like when God began working in my own heart. I vividly recall the uncomfortable wrestling I felt in my soul as values, ideas, and theologies I’d held sacred came into question. It wasn’t easy to admit that things I’d been taught were wrong. Disbelief flooded my thoughts as I read, uncovering stories, experiences, and history that I’d never learned…not in high school, AP classes, or college. Because of my own experience, I could see and love the person who complained. I was able to meet them where they were and understand what they were going through, which allowed me to extend a level of compassion and empathy I wouldn’t have possessed early on.

I went on to teach the session as scheduled, giving everyone ten minutes to complete the handout during the workshop. The upset attendee chose not to stay, which I totally understand. Honestly, there was a time when I wouldn’t have attended a workshop like this either. While I’m not confrontational enough to address the topic with leadership, the old me would have chosen not to attend and then excused myself from the ministry while silently stewing.

Full transparency: there are times when I still feel that unsettled wrestle. My first reaction is to get angry or offended, but I now recognize that as God trying to get my attention.

Rather than getting upset, I’ve learned to ask myself and God one not-so-simple question: “Why does this trigger me so much?” And then I filter my emotion through these six steps:

1. I pray about it.
2. I sit with it.
3. I give God permission to reveal the ‘why’ behind my reaction. What is the true root of my reaction?
4. I confess it.
5. I lament it.
6. I surrender it.

In our society, so many topics, from race to politics to banned books to women preaching and SO much more, have created barriers to the way we see, value, and ultimately love others the way Jesus does. If we’re honest, it’s easier to judge others, make accusations and assumptions, and build thicker, higher walls than to humbly examine our own hearts while asking ourselves the tough question(s) that often uncover some not-so-pretty truths we’d prefer to keep hidden. And yet, self-examination is what Jesus commands of us.

What about you?

• How do you respond when you’re triggered or feel that uncomfortable, unsettled wrestling deep inside? Do you tend to get angry or offended? Do you feel the need to defend your position? Or do you sit with the emotion to understand where it’s coming from?

• How do you feel when you hear the word privilege? What feelings (if any) does it provoke in you?

Leave a comment

Book Update

It’s been about three months since my agent sent my book proposal to potential publishers. Publishing is a slow business, so while this seems like a long time to wait, it’s a very normal part of the process.

Two of the five publishing houses have passed on the young women’s devotional. We’re still waiting to hear back from the other three, including my dream editor and publishing house. Please continue praying as we wait for God’s timing.

In the meantime, God’s opened up a new opportunity for me to begin freelance editing. Together with my long-time graphic designer friend, we’ve partnered with Growmentum Press to provide complete self-publishing services! So, if you have a book you’d love to get into the world and need some help publishing it, let me know. We’d love to have a free consultation with you!

Recommendation Spotlight!

I love children’s books! My personal library has several of them. Don’t let the pictures fool you. Children’s books are great resources for adults to learn and grow! One of my favorite people, Dr. Terence Lester, recently released his first children’s book with his teen daughter, Zion, as his co-author! How cool is that!?

Terence is a writer, author, storyteller, champion for dignity, founder of Love Beyond Walls, and From Streets to Scholarship, his weekly Substack blog. He has had a big influence on me as I’ve embraced diversity and learned to see and love like Jesus. So I’m beyond excited to share their book, Zion Learns to See: Opening Our Eyes to Homelessness.

Based on real-life events, this story follows Zion and her dad as they spend a Saturday at a community center. Zion learns about homelessness as she meets interesting people and discovers that everyone deserves dignity because everyone matters to God.

This sweet book will both warm your heart while challenging you to really see people through Jesus’ eyes. Grab your copy today…and grab an extra for a friend or your school library!

Order Zion Learns to See

I’m beyond grateful you’ve chosen to read these words, spend time with me, and build a safe space for growth, healing, and community here at Mixed.ology. God is moving! And He’s invited us to participate in what He’s doing. I’m so glad we get to be on this adventure together!

Just start…
Don’t you wish is was just that simple?

Some say taking the first step is always the hardest. I get that. I’ve experienced the paralyzing fear of not knowing where or how to start something new. Sorting through all the “what ifs” can be overwhelming and leave us paralyzed.
”What if I mess up?”
”What if I’m pursuing the wrong thing?”
”What if it’s not the right time?”
”What if this isn’t what God has for me?”
”What if I fail?”
What if….

I’m sure you have plenty of “what ifs” too.

What If I Fail…What If I Succeed?

Recently, I discovered a shift. I’m no longer as afraid to start as I used to be, which I should probably count as a breakthrough because I remember talking to a coworker a few years ago who told me, “It sounds like you’re afraid to start because you won’t know how it will end. What if this is what God created you to do? Do you want to miss out on that because you’re so afraid of doing it wrong that you can’t see how to begin? I don’t think it doesn’t matter where you start. I think it just matters that you do.” Those words - his positive perspective on “what if” - gave me the confidence to take the first step.

Actually, let me back up.
The first shift happened about two years ago.

After taking my coworker’s advice, I gathered the courage to write in this Mixed space. I was all in, engaging with a new social media community, learning how to network with fellow writers, attending conferences, and soaking up all the knowledge I could about the writing and publishing world. As I wrote, I felt a dream take shape in my heart. [Side note: Writing has reminded me that I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer with a desire to shoot big. But I was raised to play it safe…so that’s what I did. I secretly dreamed but never pursued them or imagined they could take shape. So when God began cultivating a writing dream He’d given me, I freaked out!

Seriously! My thoughts morphed from, “What if I fail at this writing thing?” to, “What if God wants to do more than I can imagine through my writing?” I’ll admit I’m much more inclined to fear failure rather than success. But suddenly, I was terrified of what success might look like.

I slid deep down the rabbit hole, imagining its potential impact on my career, marriage, kids, and life in general. Thank God for amazing, wise friends who reminded me that God is with us in the small and simple, as well as the big and bold.

Once I finished freaking out (okay, maybe I didn’t finish, but I’d at least taken a breather), excitement took over and I was ready to GO! Like pedal to the metal, “Come on, God. Keep up,” kind of momentum. I prepared my first book proposal and continued doing all the “right” things to become a traditionally published author, putting my all into my dream. Despite the trials, pain, perseverance, sacrifice, time, and hard work, I just knew God was going to do more than I could ask or think. Big things were on the way!

And guess what?

My proposal wasn’t picked up. My social media community seemed to stall. Invitations for writing and speaking opportunities stopped. I was devastated. I was working SO hard, doing all the right things. Regardless of how many times I examined my processes and studied the latest trends, I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. Frustration replaced my excitement leaving me feeling burned out and exhausted.

“What if I’d heard God wrong?” I wondered as doubt and insecurity took over.

Maybe you’ve been in a similar place. You’re doing all the right things, checking all the boxes, yet your breakthrough hasn’t come. Your season hasn’t changed. Your door hasn’t opened. In fact, things have slowed or ceased altogether, and your mind is swimming in a sea of your own series of “what ifs.”

I was devastated. I was working SO hard, doing all the right things. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong?

Maybe you’ve been in a similar place. You’re doing all the right things and checking all the boxes, yet your breakthrough hasn’t come. Your season hasn’t changed. Your door hasn’t opened. In fact, things have slowed or ceased altogether, and your mind is swimming in a sea of your own series of “what ifs.”

God let me sit in that space for what felt like an eternity. It wasn’t, but it sure felt like that at the time. The harder I tried to make things happen, the more frustrated I became. Defeated and heartbroken, I asked God to take my dream back. What was the point if it wasn’t going to come true? I didn’t want it anymore.

But the dream didn’t leave and He didn’t take it back. He allowed it to sit dormant while He continued preparing me. See, I thought my preparation season had already happened, that God had done the necessary work in me before planting the dream. But I was wrong. Yes, some healing and change had already occurred before He planted the dream in my heart, but He wasn’t finished. He still had to cultivate the soil and pull out some weeds.

One day, as I struggled with all of my “what ifs,” I felt God nudge me to read the story of Abraham and Issac. Before I even opened my Bible, I had a gut check where this was going. I turned to Genesis 21-22 and read how Abraham had deeply desired a son for a very long time. Finally, God granted Abraham the desire of his heart, his dream. Then, several years later, God asked Abraham to take his son, the thing he loved most, his dream come true, and sacrifice it to Him on an altar. As father and son walked up the mountain, Abraham's heart ached.

“What if God takes my son?”
”What if He doesn’t?”
”What if this is a test and I fail?”

Abraham knew what God was asking of Him and still trusted that God would make another way. Yet, even if He didn’t, Abraham was prepared to sacrifice his son, his desire, his dream, on the altar for the Lord.

Y’all! When I say I was sobbing by this point, I’m not exaggerating! I was a full-on
ugly-crying, snot-running, shoulders-shaking mess. I knew God was asking me the same thing…to give Him what I desired most…my dream of being an author.

By this point, my writing had taken me on a transformative, healing journey - the kind that doesn’t stop with you but overflows to your spouse, kids, family, and friends. I was…I am a different person. As I considered what it meant to put my dream on His altar, I felt Him whisper, “What if the healing you’ve experienced was the sole purpose of your writing? What if it wasn’t for you to be a published author? Would that be enough?” I’ll be honest. I wrestled. A lot. I knew what the healing God had provided should be enough, but I didn’t know if I could just leave my dream there to be consumed.

As I considered what it meant to put my dream on His altar, I felt Him whisper, “What if the healing you’ve experienced was the sole purpose of your writing? What if it wasn’t for you to be a published author? Would that be enough?” I’ll be honest, I wrestled. I knew what the healing God had provided should be enough, but I didn’t know if I could just leave my dream there to be consumed.

As I reflect now, I’m grateful for the wrestling. I’m glad that decision wasn’t easy because it reminds me of the sacrifice and cost. It reminds me that my dreams and desires are ultimately for His glory, not mine.

When I surrendered my dream that day, I didn’t know what my writing future would look like or if there would be one. But God knew…

What If God Has a Better Plan?

As I sit writing in a Starbucks today, I’m getting ready to hit “SEND” on my second book proposal. It’s a totally different book that only God could have written because it wasn’t even on my radar three months ago. It turns out that God still had plans for the words He’s given me, the passion for others to see and love like Jesus, and for you to know that you are seen, valued, and radically loved.

Do I still have “what ifs?” Of course. Currently, my “what if” looks a little like:
”What if I send this proposal and it’s not acquired?”
”What if this was all just another lesson to be learned?”
”What if everything has been preparing me for such a time as this?”
”What if I take this leap, and God shows up in ways I can’t even imagine?”
”What if I take this leap and God doesn’t show up?”

Ok, I know that last one sounds silly. But that’s how doubts work, right? We can see they don’t make sense, but they’re still there. And while I don’t know how things will play out this time, I’m willing to ask,
“What if God is working in the waiting?”
”What if He’s moving in ways I can’t understand?”
”What if He’s making a way I can’t see?”
”What if His plans really are good?”

What about you?

• Does a paralyzing wave of “what ifs” keep you from starting new things?

• Are you afraid of failure, success, or both?

• What “What if…” question are you wrestling with today?

I’d love to hear your story and how God is working in your life.
Leave a comment to share your thoughts.

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Book Update

For those who’ve been following the adventure around this new book (click here to learn how the adventure began), I wanted to let you know of an exciting development!
As I mentioned above, I sent the proposal to my agent. She responded with great feedback, editorial notes, and lots of excitement! I spent the week working on her suggestions. I also forwarded some of the devotional samples to young women in the audience demographic to give their insight, which was extremely helpful!

I’ve resubmitted the updated draft.
Next step…my agent, Jevon, begins pitching the proposal to editors and publishing houses, which are the teams that decide which books they will buy and publish.
I’ll keep you posted!

I Need Your Help

I’m not the best at asking for help, but the truth is…
I can’t do this alone. I need your help!

Publishers consider current audience size and engagement as part of the criteria when deciding which authors and books to acquire, especially when taking a risk on a first-time author like me. Books cannot move forward without an already established, supportive, engaged audience like you guys! Seriously! You guys are the BEST, and I’m incredibly grateful and humbled that you’ve chosen to read my words and follow Mixed.ology!

There are 3 ways you can help:
1. Pray. Would you consider being a prayer warrior for this project? I’ll share specific prayer requests throughout the process.
Current prayer request:
1) Pray for Jevon as she pitches the proposal.
2) Pray that the publishing team will be open and ready for a book like this devotional.
3) And pray for the young women (readers) who will be impacted by this book's message.
2. Subscribe. As a subscriber, you will be the first to receive updates, samples, and fun extras directly to your inbox. There will be things only subscribers receive, and I don’t want you to miss out!

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3. Share & Comment. If you find something you read here or on your social media feed encouraging or helpful, please take a second to like, comment, or share it. Sharing our experiences and stories helps build community while making others feel less alone and welcome here. This interaction also helps boost engagement (ugh…algorithms) and helps others find hope, understanding, and resources through Mixed.ology.

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I’m beyond grateful you’ve chosen to read these words, spend time with me, and build a safe space for growth, healing, and community here at Mixed.ology. God is moving! And He’s invited us to participate in what He’s doing. I’m so glad we get to be on this adventure together!

But I believe ALL of our stories matter. We have so much to learn from one another when we take the time to sit down and listen to someone’s story. Sometimes we learn to see things from a completely new point of view. Other times, we experience a depth of empathy and compassion. While still other times, we discover we aren’t so different after all.

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With that in mind, I want to introduce you to my dear friend Tasha. Tasha is a mom, wife, self-proclaimed melancholy dreamer, poet, writer, and author. She is also a Korean-American. Last year, Tasha’s memoir, Tell Me The Dream Again, was released in which she shares her stories of her family, struggling with her Mixed ethnicity, and searching for belonging. I could tell you all about her and her amazing story, but I thought it would be better coming straight from her. So grab your favorite beverage, cozy up, and let me introduce you to my friend…Tasha Jun.

Q: Tasha, can you please share a little about your background?

“I am the daughter of a Korean immigrant mother and a white Californian father. Growing up in a Mixed Race, multicultural family was our normal, and as a child, I loved our ‘home’ as a family, no matter where we lived. We had a mix and a blend of everything, from language, table spreads, stories, and cultural norms. In many ways, my upbringing was a cohesion of difference and trained me to believe different people and cultures were meant to be together.”

Q: What was it like for you growing up as a multiethnic, multicultural kid? Was it something you embraced or rejected? Did you gravitate towards one side or culture, or were you a chameleon, being who you needed to be depending on the space?

“It wasn’t until I began going out into the world outside our home or family unit that I felt like my ‘mix’ was questioned, challenged, and misunderstood. After experiencing the ways others questioned my identity or implied that one part of me was better than the other, or that I would need to ‘pick a side, that I began to slowly reject my Koreanness in certain settings that seemed to prize whiteness as the norm and ideal. I didn’t know what White Supremacy was then, and I couldn’t have articulated any of this then - but I definitely experienced its powerful effect in all the places I have lived.”

Q: Tell us about your book. What prompted you to share your story in such a public way?

“Tell Me The Dream Again (TMTDA) began over two decades ago in a college memoir class. Our final assignment in that class was to write a mini-memoir of sorts. When I sat down to write, all that poured out of me were stories of my Korean mom and their connection to me as her daughter. All the things I’d kept and held in the years prior, came flowing out of me. After that class, I put the mini-memoir away - wondering if it could become more of a book, but hadn’t lived enough to write the rest. Then, when I started writing publically again, I found these stories rising back to the surface of my creative work. Even when writing articles online about faith or everyday life, stories of my mom and me would come to mind and influence my writing. Bit by bit, I began to see a book come together from parts of that decades-old mini-memoir, stories that were stirring within me, and the experiences I’d lived between then and now.

I was ready to show up as my whole self, and to do that meant giving voice to the parts of me that I’d hidden. As a mom of three, it only became more and more urgent to me to write and speak these stories out loud, to do my part to resist the narratives of erasure and invisibility that Asian American stories and history have had, and to embrace the reflection of the Imago Dei1 that God had given me.”

Q: Throughout TMTDA and your social media, you’ve shared that you have often felt rejected by Asian communities, both here in the US and when you’ve traveled abroad. Can you share more about those experiences and how they made you feel?

“I mostly experienced this as a child. It was a shock to the system then because before traveling to Korea, I thought going there would be like going home. To travel there and learn that some Koreans despised Mixed-race Koreans (after being spit on, called names, or poked with a toothpick by another child) was painful both physically and emotionally. Those experiences gave me doubt, grief, and insecurity over what I could call myself and what I had claim to.”

Q: Where are you today with your multiethnic, multicultural identity?

“I am in a place of embrace, and while embrace is a way of continually learning and living, surrendering and healing, I love who I am and who I am becoming. My multiethnic and multicultural identity is an integral part of who I am and how I understand my belovedness as a child of God. I feel free to explore, learn, not know, reclaim, and rebuild and yet still say I am Korean American, Mixed, biracial, Asian American, etc without the need to defend, explain, or prove anything.”

Q: How does being multiethnic and multicultural impact your life today? What (if any) role does it play for you as a wife & mother?

“I am sure it impacts everything, but I see it show up most tangibly in the stories I tell and the table spreads make at home. I also know that one of my vocational callings in life is to ‘create spaces of belonging,’ and I know that a lot of this flows from my being a multiethnic and multicultural person.”

Q: What do you wish little Tasha would have known or been told?

“It’s okay - not only okay, but a superpower - to be born as, grow up in, and live constantly in a body, family, and story that is both/and.

And, you won’t always feel so alone. The light will always find you and you will learn how to shine that same light in others’ darkness.”

Q: What advice would you give someone today who’s struggling to embrace their multiethnic, multicultural heritage?

“It’s okay to struggle. This work isn’t usually a quick or graceful dance. It’s clumsy, and can be confusing…and YET it’s more than okay to move towards embrace. I believe we are all meant to move towards it. Anything you do (big or small) to move towards embracing your whole self is not selfish…it’s sacred, vital work that impacts all of you and all of us for the better. You have absolutely nothing to prove.”

I’m so grateful for Tasha’s willingness to share her story and wisdom. She is truly a gem!

Want to learn more? Grab your copy of Tell Me The Dream Again.

Order My Copy of TMTDA

And follow Tasha:
Shalomsick Notes (Substack)- Every day during May she featured a different AANHPI voice. Check them out to discover more amazing stories and perspectives.
Instagram

[NOTE: If you haven’t read Part 1, you’ll want to start there. It will be a helpful backstory to this post.]

Where was I?
Oh yeah, night one of the conference.

After releasing a few tears and sitting through a powerful time of worship and encouragement from our keynote speaker, I attended the professional meet and greet. During this 45-minute meet-up, attendees find the three professionals they want to have a one-on-one meeting with over the next few days. They make introductions and schedule their upcoming appointment. Usually, I go into this with a list and agenda of who I want to meet and why. Not this time. This year, I only knew I wanted to sit with a friend and mentor with a long editing career. Over the past several months, I’d been helping a new author by editing their manuscript. During the process, I discovered how much fun and joy I felt using my skills to help someone else get the message God had placed on their heart into the world. In fact, if I had any thoughts going into this conference, it was that perhaps the time of writing my own content was ending, and a new season of editing was beginning to open.

I ended up making three appointments. One with my editor friend and the other two with mentors that I wanted to catch up with. I had no intentions of pitching anything other than the manuscript I’d been editing (although I did have a book on my heart). I think a bit of me had conceded. Breaking into the traditional publishing industry is so much harder than people know. The constant cycle of creating, writing, pitching, waiting, rejection, revisions, more rejection, learning, networking, marketing, and recreating becomes mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Editing allowed me to continue writing while avoiding the uncomfortable, hard parts, a reprieve I was more than ready to receive.

Consider This…

On the second night of the conference, I met with a friend who encouraged me to come, knowing I wanted to stay home this year. As attendees made their way from the auditorium to the late-night Q&A session, we stayed behind, talking and encouraging one another. I shared my thoughts about pursuing editing and she quickly assured me that my writing season wasn’t over yet. “I think you have so much more to say,” she’d said. “Important things people need to hear. Editing is fine. Do it if you like. But I don’t think you’re supposed to stop writing.” While I didn’t want to admit it, my gut told me she was right. It wasn’t my time to stop writing. But my heart was so heavy. Plus, I’d felt a tug to move beyond writing specifically to a Mixed-race audience. As humans, we’re blended in many ways and I’ve wanted to explore them in more detail.

“Have you ever thought about writing for teen girls?” she asked. My answer was quick. “No. I don’t write for teens. I write for adults.” “I know. But have you ever thought about reworking your content to make it available to teens?” I thought about what she was proposing, and the idea jarred me in a way that I’ve learned happens when God shakes things up. While everything inside me wanted to shut down her idea, I promised to pray and consider her suggestion.

And I did. Over the next couple of days, I prayed. I asked for confirmation and committed that if HE wanted me to write for teens I would, but He would have to make it abundantly clear.

Have you ever had a friend that God used to consistently guide you in the nicest ways without nagging that He wanted you to do something? Me too. Every time I saw her for the rest of the conference she asked, “So…have you thought about writing for teens? What do you think? What about a devotional?” That sparked my interest. Last year, I’d written a 30-day devotional for our church on Daniel and then formatted it for YouVersion. I loved the project and learned how much I enjoyed writing devotionals. [Side note: if you’re not a writer, you might assume that we can easily write anything. Not so. Each genre has its tone, rules, skills, etc. Writing articles like this is very different from devotionals, nonfiction books, Bible studies, etc.]

“Why don’t you meet with Linda?” my friend suggested. Linda is an acquisition editor for a large Christian publishing house, which means she considers book ideas from authors and their agents. If she likes them, she pitches the concept to her team at the publishing house, who will decide which books to purchase and publish.

“But she is only acquiring children and teen books,” I replied. [Are you shaking your head, smacking your palm on your forehead, or yelling at me yet? I’m pretty sure God was by this point!] But remember, I was praying for confirmation…

Ironically, Linda was the only professional that intimidated me a little, which makes no sense because I didn’t plan on pitching to her. Plus, she didn’t even acquire the type of books I long to write. So why the butterflies?

On the last night of the conference, after all of the appointments and meetings were finished I decided to sit at Linda’s dinner table. This would be the last opportunity to talk with professionals before the end of the conference the next morning. As we ate, she asked each of us what we write (i.e., what types of books we write and who our audience is) and what we were currently working on. This is when that 30-second elevator pitch comes into play. But I didn’t have one because I wasn’t coming to pitch. I was coming to rest, replenish, and maybe learn more about becoming an editor.

As the lady to my left finished sharing, Linda looked at me. “I don’t think we’ve met yet. Tell me your name and what you write.” I gave her my name and explained that I write about identity and belonging from a Mixed-race perspective with a Jesus-centered focus. “I love that,” she said. “So what are you currently working on.” Y’all! When I say this next part of the story was an only-God moment…well, just keep reading! I proceeded to detail a teen girl devotional specifically for marginalized communities. I gave examples, data, reasons why something like this must exist, and its potential impact.

It was a Moses moment when the words coming out of my mouth were not mine. “I love that!” Linda exclaimed. “We don’t have anything like it, but it’s very needed. When can you get me a proposal?” Stunned, I told her I would send her a proposal once I got back home…which meant, I would need to write one…on a book I hadn’t even outlined or written a page of…for teen girls, an audience I didn’t currently write to. I had no idea what I would send or where to start, but I knew God was definitely up to something.

But wait…there’s more!

The next day, I sat at my San Jose International Airport gate feeling refreshed and excited about what God was starting. My mind raced as I jotted ideas, topics, and outlines in my notes app. My trepidation had been replaced with a rush of excitement.

Although I knew a friend would be on the same flight to Vegas, this introvert was tired of peopling. I wanted to put my AirPods in and continue working on the flood of ideas I had, so I planned to sit alone. When the gate agent announced for A Group to line up for boarding, I gathered my things and found my place in line. With my boarding pass in one hand and Hydro in the other, I glanced around to see if my friend had gotten in line yet. And there, right behind me in line, was Linda! By now it was obvious that God was doing a new thing.

After our dinner conversation the night before, I was convinced God was leading me to write this teen devotional. Seeing Linda standing behind me in line was like the cherry on top because God knows His girl will overthink and second-guess things, so every once in awhile, He’ll make it abundtanly clear.

We exchanged pleasantries and started chatting. Since we were on Southwest, we could choose our seats. She asked if I wanted to sit with her. For the next hour and a half, the two of us got to know one another, discussed the devotional, and I even pitched a couple of additional ideas.

When we landed in Las Vegas, I headed to baggage claim and she headed to her connecting gate. But before we parted, she reminded me to send her the teen girl devotional proposal as soon as it’s ready.

Friend, I don’t know about you, but sometimes - let’s be honest, most of the time - I’m pretty stubborn. I have my plans and ideas and invite God to do His thing within my set parameters. How backward is that? I’m so thankful for His grace and patience. I’m learning how much better it is when I live life open-handed with everything - my dreams, my fears, my desires, my direction. And how much better it is when I remember HE has invited me into what He’s already started, not the other way around.

What about you?

• Do you struggle to live an open-handed life?

• Where is God inviting you to trust Him, release control, and accept His invitation to step into His plans for you rather than inviting Him to be part of your plans?

I’d love to hear your story and how God is working in your life. Leave a comment to share your thoughts.

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Want to Stay Updated?
If you’d like to receive updates on the teen devotional, hit the subscribe button below. It’s totally free and you’ll be the first to know details and even receive a sample!

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Join the Journey…

I’d love to invite you to join the adventure.

After all that, it’s pretty clear that God has some unexpected plans for this devotional! And just as I can’t write a word without His help, I also need your help.

How Can I Help?

There are 3 ways you can help in the early stages of this devotional project:
1. Pray. Would you consider being a prayer warrior for this project? I’ll share specific prayer requests throughout the process.
2. Subscribe. As a subscriber, you will be the first to receive updates, samples, and fun extras directly to your inbox. There will be things only subscribers will receive and I don’t want you to miss out!
3. Share. You can help spread the word by sharing this and future posts by hitting the “Share” button to add it you your social media feeds.

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Your support is essential! Books cannot move forward without a supportive, engaged audience, and publishers need to see that. You can show your support by simply subscribing for FREE. Thank you SO much!

Questions?

But I’m not a teen girl.
While that is the target audience for this upcoming devotional, the universal themes we’ll dive into have a broad reach. You just might discover that they speak to some of the unhealed questions, hurts, disappointments, and even anger from your teen years.

But I don’t have a teen girl in my life.
Gen Z females range from 12-28. While you might not have a teen, I would guess you probably know someone in that age range - a grandchild, neighbor, young adult/teen at church, mentee, client, or student. The list is endless!

But I’m not from a marginalized group.
That’s totally fine. As mentioned above, many themes are universal. So, while the devotional will address them from a specific perspective, those from non-marginalized groups will still be able to connect. In addition, they will gain insight into the experiences and feelings of those who’ve had different life experiences, which I pray will spark a deeper sense of compassion and empathy.

Thank you for your support. I’m so excited about what God has already done, what He continues to do, and what is yet to come. I can’t wait to share an update on the proposal process very soon!

I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t want to pack another suitcase, board another plane, or have to be around more people.
I was tired - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It was only the end of March, and already the year had been A LOT!

• December - I chose to stay at my current job which I’d planned to step down from to pursue writing full-time. In the meantime, I’d accepted a second side job. So instead of writing full-time, I entered January with two jobs!

• January - My mother-in-law began her battle with cancer. Within a few short days, the news went from doctors saying, “If you have cancer, this is the one to have. It’s the easiest to treat,” to “This is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and it’s already spread.”

• February - My mother-in-law passed away. Although she lived across the country, she was still a huge part of our lives. From the minute I stepped through the garage door, over twenty years ago, she immediately made me feel like a daughter. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders, reading everything I wrote and always providing encouragement along the way.

• March - My husband and I flew back east to be with family, attend her celebration of life service, and begin walking through our grief.

I’d been home less than a week, as I sat on the sofa, dreading the thought of having to leave again for an upcoming writing conference. My mind and heart were exhausted. I knew I wouldn’t be able to absorb any information. All I wanted to do was sit in my sweatshirt and yoga pants with my favorite blanket, watch true crime documentaries and Netflix, order takeout, and not leave my sofa for a week. And cry…I’m not good at grieving. I knew my heart needed to process everything we’d been through, but I’ve learned over the years that I process and grieve better when I’m alone.

I tried to get out of going. I emailed the director whom I know well. While she was heartbroken for us, the deadline had passed for refunds from the host venue and there was nothing she could do financially.

I didn’t care. I was willing to take the loss.

I repeatedly asked my husband if I could stay home. And while he never forces me to do anything (I’m sure he’ll appreciate that I emphasized that fact), he kept reminding me that I always enjoy it once I’m there, and everything including the flight WAS already paid for.

“Even if you don’t get anything out of this time other than rest,” he said, “it will have been worth going.” Ugh! Why does he have to make so much sense?

The next morning, he dropped me off at the Southwest departure terminal and kissed me goodbye. With my carry-on, backpack, snacks, and heavy heart, I headed to my gate.

Open-handed

As I sat on the plane, I became a bit more excited. If nothing else, I would spend the next few days at one of my favorite places, Mt. Herman Christian Camp. Now before I go any further, one thing you have to know about me is that I am not an outdoorsy girl. I’ll gladly walk 20k steps any day at Disneyland, but please don’t ask me to go on a hike. I’m not even the glamping girl. So the fact that I repeatedly come to this conference nestled in the middle of the redwoods, surprises me. And yet, I’ve found this to be a sacred place. I’ve even described it as holy ground. I’ve been here three times, and God has met me in a special and unique way each year.

One, because the conferences’ prayer team doesn’t play. They bathe the conference in prayer. They usher the Holy Spirit in long before the first attendee arrives at the registration desk. Prayer is powerful, and this team understands that better than most. I’m grateful they intentionally invite the Holy Spirit into this space in anticipation of what God wants to do.

Second, it’s a special place because of its sheer beauty. I love the Vegas desert. The hot temps, blue sky, and various shades of brown are beautiful in their own way. But from the moment we exit from the CA-17 freeway and enter the canopy of redwoods and sequoias, I’m in awe. I try to take pictures, but a camera doesn’t do the place justice.

Sitting on the plane, I considered the next four days, deciding to be completely open-handed. No goals. No expectations. No agenda. In the past, I’d filled my days with workshops and appointments, soaking up every bit of knowledge as I attempted to crack the code into the publishing world. Not this time. This time, I wasn’t going to schedule anything. I’d let God set the pace and give myself the grace to show up as I could.

The nice thing about returning to a conference is the sense of familiarity—faces, places, and routine. I know where my usual room is. I look for friends from past years. I revisit trails as I wonder and pray. But this year, I just didn’t have it in me to be “on” and engage with people at the level I usually would. I wanted to blend in with the surroundings and quietly observe.

As I slipped into the evening worship session, I ran into Robynne, a good friend and the conference director, the one I’d emailed about backing out. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around me. My eyes stung as they tried to hold back the tears, she gently whispered, “I’m glad you’re here.”

At that moment, I knew God was going to meet me here again…I just didn’t know when or how.

Check out Part 2 for the unexpected way God met me among the redwoods, how He revealed His plan, and the incredible events that followed!

What about you?

• Do you have a favorite place where you repeatedly encounter God?

• When was the last time you obediently followed God’s leading even though you didn’t want to go? What happened?

I’d love to hear your story and how God is working in your life. Leave a comment to share your thoughts.

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A Little Something Extra…

Each week, I like to share a little something extra, something I’ve found fun or helpful. It might be a post, book, podcast, tv show, movie, song, Bible verse…or something else I think you’ll enjoy.

I love how God works! Before we even knew my mother-in-law was sick, I began seeing posts about grief in my Instagram feed. Two friends had recently released books on the grieving process, which I’d added to my library. Little did I know that God was providing resources for our grief journey before we even knew we needed them.

One thing’s for sure: Grief doesn’t play favorites. We will all experience our own at some point. At other times, we will need to support a friend or loved one through their grief. These books are wonderful resources to add to your library.

Breathing Through Grief By Dorina Lazo-Gilmore Young

Dorina experienced the depths of grief several years ago when she found herself widowed with three young daughters. She felt lost in her grief. She wrote Breathing Through Grief to help others process through their own season. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, friendship, dream, season of life, or something else you held dear, this devotional journal reminds you that you aren’t alone and provides guidance, hope, and scripture on your road to healing.

Can You Just Sit With Me? By Natasha Smith

Natasha Smith shares her grief journey after the death of her sister at only 32 years old. Along with others’ personal stories, reflections, and scripture, she points the reader back to Jesus who always sits with us in our grief for however long it takes. Whether you’re experiencing grief or supporting a grieving friend, this book is a wonderful resource because it reminds us that our loss is worthy of the time and grace it takes to grieve.

**If you purchase either or both books, please consider leaving a review on Amazon, Goodreads, Target, or Barnes and Noble. This is very helpful for authors.

My eyes scanned the list of new emails in my inbox - several blog articles from accounts I follow, a few promotions I kept meaning to unsubscribe from, and a couple of important messages I starred so I would remember to read them later. Nestled in the middle of the list, was an email from an organization I highly resp…

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I’m not a movie person. And I’m definitely not a movie theater person. The idea of committing the next two and half hours of my life to watching a film, even a great one, while not being able to multitask has me feeling all kinds of ways. But when your kid IS a movie person and invites you to go to a film he heard you say, “Looks…

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It’s a beautiful winter morning in the Las Vegas desert. The cloudless sky is the perfect shade of blue. The sun brings a false sense of warmth to this chilly - no, make that cold - morning. It might surprise you but Las Vegas isn’t always 110 degrees. Winters are cold and windy. It’s currently 36ºF.

My fingers fumble ac…

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Do you ever feel like God’s grace is for everyone except you?

When I felt God nudge me to press pause on Mixed.ology a few months ago, I could sense it wouldn’t be forever. At the time, I thought it would only be for a couple of months. I planned to rest and reset, dream and plan, create and schedule. I planned to rediscove…

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As Mother’s Day approaches, I wanted to take this week to honor my mom and the sacrifices she made to raise me during a time when being a single mom was taboo…but being a single mom with a biracial baby was even worse.

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir.

As I continue sifting through photos, I realize a face missing from the box. I flip t…

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This week our staff held a pickleball tournament instead of our monthly staff meeting. We reserved the courts, assigned the round-robin style teams, and had our resident grill master take care of the bbq lunch. Since I’m on the team that plans and executes these events, I normally don’t get to participate. But since someon…

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