...but, I'm not Black
Responding when people incorrectly assume your race & ethnicity
My eyes scanned the list of new emails in my inbox - several blog articles from accounts I follow, a few promotions I kept meaning to unsubscribe from, and a couple of important messages I starred so I would remember to read them later. Nestled in the middle of the list, was an email from an organization I highly respect with a subject line that included an invitation to be featured in an upcoming promo!
I’d been featured by this organization in the past and was surprised they’d pose another invitation so soon. I opened the email, giving it a quick read. I paused. Did I read that correctly? I carefully reread the information, confirming I hadn’t misinterpreted their request. I hadn’t. This wasn’t an ordinary monthly feature invitation. I’d been selected because they wanted to spotlight me as a Black female voice during Black History Month.
“But I’m not Black,” I thought.
I took a deep breath as I closed my laptop, gathered my things, and headed to my SUV. It was time to pick up the kids from school which suddenly shifted from a routine responsibility to a welcomed distraction. My current audiobook automatically picked up from where it left off earlier that morning as soon as I started the vehicle. I hoped the fictitious murder mystery would provide a brief escape from my thoughts. No luck. It played in the background like Charlie Brown’s teacher as my mind continued drifting back to the contents of the email. My soul churred, desperate to uncover the best way to respond.
It never ceases to surprise me that even after a lifetime of navigating comments, questions, and situations, AND after becoming DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) certified, I still struggle to find the right words to explain my ethnic identity to others. I thought by now it would be faster, easier…like it would just roll off my tongue. Instead, I’ve found it continues to be a delicate dance of adequate explanation without offending the other party.
Giving up, I pressed pause on my book, taking a mental note to restart the chapter later. Sometimes I’m an internal processor. Other times I need to talk things through to determine my best next step. That’s what I needed to do now. With a quick scroll through my contacts, I found my friend’s face and pressed it, allowing the magic of Bluetooth and wifi to connect us. Seriously, I have no clue how technology works, but I’m grateful when it does!
”Hey! What’s up?” she asked with a bounce in her voice.
”I need your help,” I replied. “I need you to help me process something.”
”Sure. What’s going on?”
Over the next few minutes, I proceeded to explain the content of the email. Because we’re so close and she knows me so well, she understood without me having to provide much explanation.
“What do I say?” I asked. “I don’t know how to respond. You know I don’t identify as a Black woman. And while I’m grateful for the offer, I’m not an opportunist. I won’t take an opportunity from someone who does identify that way. And I don’t want to present myself as something I’m not.”
My friend is so wise and I’m beyond grateful for her influence in my life. It might sound odd that a white woman with blond hair would be able to advise a woman of color in these types of matters. But I’ve learned that wisdom, like most things, isn’t bound by skin color. My friend has done the hard work of listening and learning. She’s walked with me through valleys and mountains as I’ve learned to embrace the wholeness of my ethnicity. She’s spoken life into me as I’ve reframed my opinion about myself to reflect how God sees me. She is one of my safe spaces and I knew I could trust her with this conversation.
In no time, she helped me find the perfect words to graciously thank the group for the invitation while explaining why I would have to decline.
Why I don’t identify as Black?
**sigh**
This is such a complex, layered, and personalized question. I will give you my explanation, but please remember, this does NOT hold true for all Mixed people.
The way Mixed people choose to identify with their specific blend
is varied and deeply personal.
While my Ansectry.com DNA results provide a specific breakdown of my complete ethnic history, I have chosen to identify as Mixed as a way of honoring the totality of my heritage. My mom is White, my dad was Puerto Rican(he passed away several years ago). For most of my life, I felt like I had to choose between the two. As a Mixed woman, I’m free to fully embrace both or all of them.
My dad walked away before I was born. We didn’t meet until I was a senior in high school. So I grew up with my mom’s side of the family who were all White. Despite my mom’s best efforts, I resisted everything about my Puerto Rican side for decades. (that’s a whole other post). Our small town’s diversity was Black or White. Since I didn’t identify as Black, White was my childhood and adolescent default.
While my dad’s skin color would have classified him as a Black man, he never saw himself that way. He identified as a Puerto Rican man who embodied the fullness of the island’s culture. He happened to have dark skin (because people from the Caribbean come in all shades, even within the same family. Also a post for another time.)
Throughout my life, I have often been called out and ostracized by members of the Black community. Some have said I’m too White to be Black, while others have condemned me for not identifying myself as a strong, Black woman. Both sides have made conclusions about me based solely on the shade of my skin. In general, I’ve never felt accepted or even welcomed by the Black community the way I have by White and Latino communities, which have come with their own conditions. Please hear me. That doesn’t mean I don’t have Black people in my life. I have some incredible friends, mentors, pastors, and teachers who are Black. They care about me as I do them. What I’m referring to here is my overall experience.
And can I be even more honest with you because this is a safe place for hard conversations? Some interactions have been so aggressive and hurtful that I became fearful. It’s something that I’ve worked hard to overcome.
I know. It’s a lot. It’s what I and other Mixed people think through every time we’re asked, “What are you?” or forced to shrink ourselves down to fit inside a check box on a form. Explaining why we choose to ethnically, racially, and culturally identify the way we do is so much more complex than most people ever imagined.
How one chooses to ethnically identify includes much more than skin color. It encompasses things like family history, culture, language, hometown demographics, location, and life experiences, just to name a few.
Not that long ago here in the United States, laws such as the One Drop Rule would have automatically labeled me as a Black woman. It said that if a person had even a drop of African blood, they were considered Black. Yes, there was a time when I wouldn’t have been able to choose how I wanted to identify racially. Thank God for progress, be it ever so slow!
Self-acceptance is a journey.
Perhaps even more so for members of the Mixed community. Culture divides us into percentages reminding us that we are not enough to fully be ourselves in any space. My journey has been full of mountains, valleys, winding curves, sharp turns, and a couple of forks in the road. I’ve passed as only White, denying any of my ethnic heritage. I tried to go all-in as a Puerto Rican woman, absorbing all I could of my Latino culture. Finally, I’ve come to a place of acceptance, embracing the wholeness of who God created me to be. I’ve also learned that self-acceptance comes with giving yourself permission to say who you are…and who you are not.
What are your thoughts?
Has your ethnicity ever been incorrectly assumed? How did you feel?
How do you handle situations when people incorrectly assume or argue with you about how you ethnically or culturally identify?
I’d love to hear your opinion. Leave a comment to share your thoughts.
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A Little Something Extra…
Each week, I like to share a little something extra, something I’ve found fun or helpful. It might be a post, book, podcast, tv show, movie, song, Bible verse…or something else I think you’ll enjoy.
Let’s keep the conversation going!
I’d love to have you join me on Instagram. Mixed.ology’s page has questions, quotes, and thoughts that I hope inspire, motivate, and perhaps even challenge the “way it’s always been.” Our community is having honest conversations as we share and learn from one another’s experiences. Being Mixed is layered and uniquely personal while still being similar in so many ways.
No matter where you are on your journey - a Mixed person learning to embrace your full self, a family member or loved one of a Mixed person seeking to connect and support them in the best way you can, or you want to gain empathy and understanding for people who’s experience are different from your own - this is a safe space to find belonging!
As much as I love writing long-form articles, my current season of life makes it difficult to share as often as I’d like. At Mixed.ology on Insta, I’m able to share shorter posts on a more consistent basis while maintaining convos with you. I hope to see you there!
Thank you for sharing this and as a Dominican-American woman, I understand why you don't identify as black, although our culture is mixed with Africans because of the slave trade. I had a conversation with my cousins about two years ago asking if any of them identified as black and we had this whole discussion about what does that really mean. I article an article about it on Medium and at the end its really up to the person to say what they identity as and no one else. Then, I further learned that race is a social construct and really we should identify with an ethnicity more than "a race." Thank you for sharing and opening up this conversation.
I understand all of this. I’m mixed with African American, Native American, Irish and Dutch descent (among other things), and the story of my family’s mixture is loaded with a history I’m still learning how to unpack. I’m trying to learn to have freedom where I once felt caged in. Coming to confidence in saying, I am Black, I am Native, and I am White…and yes, I am Mixed. Learning to embrace all and not negate any part. Learning I can lean into whichever sides I want…not for the sake of privilege, but to lean into any side so I can learn and dig deeper and claim more of who I really am.
I, too, have been and often am judged by my outward appearance. I see this in my kids’ lives now too. It feels like erasure. And it irks me because I want to honor all of who I am. Wish people asked more questions than they did in offering statements.
Cheering you on as you keep sharing and unpacking all these things — it’s so needed. Such rich, good work.