From Offense to Understanding...
6 Biblical Steps to Manage Emotions When You're Triggered
If you’re new to Mixed.ology, WELCOME! I’m so glad you’re here. Time is precious and valuable, so THANK YOU for spending some of your time here. I pray the words and community you discover in my little corner of the internet bring encouragement, hope, and maybe even a challenge as we learn to see and love others like Jesus.
Recently, I was invited to lead a session on the importance of diversity and inclusion to a group of church youth leaders. I was thrilled to receive the invitation! Although I love sharing and discussing this topic, I was more excited because I’d been praying for an open door with this church for some time. This invitation was an answer to prayer!
As I began outlining my content to address the specific needs of this group (something I do every time I teach or speak), I realized that the leadership and I were each stepping into potentially unstable territory. While comments about God’s heart for diversity had been made by senior leadership during Sunday messages, and the church is known to be a multi-ethnic place of worship, welcoming people from all backgrounds, ethnicities, and cultures, a class or training like this had never been offered to their volunteers. This would be a first!
When we met to finish collaborating on my content and their objective, I commended the Next Gen team on their courage. I wanted them to understand that while I present my sessions from a Jesus-centered perspective with grace, humility, and supported scriptures, feathers can still get ruffled, and people can become upset or offended. While it wasn’t requested, I also shared my slides and handout exercises early for approval so that no one would be surprised or caught off-guard. The way I see it, even though I have the experience, training, and certification to teach and train on the topics of diversity, inclusion, and equality, that doesn’t mean I can present this sensitive material without the knowledge and approval of the leadership because afterward, they will have to address and hard conversations.
After an hour-long meeting, we all agreed on the content that would be presented, including a handout that I wanted the attendees to do during the workshop. Let’s be honest: after a training or workshop, very few people actually complete all of the worksheets in the folder on their own time. The one I included was foundational to identifying some of the barriers in our lives that keep us from seeing and loving others the way Jesus does.
Although I wasn’t scheduled to speak until the second day of the leader training weekend, I attended the first night to be with the team and have an idea of the environment. That night, two pastors from the church spoke on the importance of being an Emotionally Healthy Leader. They stressed that apart from God, we can do nothing, provided practical tips and tools to assess our own emotional health, and suggested additional resources, specifically The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and the World by Peter Scazzero. While this was incredible and necessary content, the pastors issued a challenge that stood out to me. A warning, really…that when God wants to transform an area of your life, you’re going to feel a wrestling, an unsettledness, an undescribable level of discomfort. They went on to encourage the attendees to resist the urge to ignore these feelings, get upset, or even leave. “Lean in,” they said. “Ask God for clarity and wisdom. Don’t let the discomfort scare you.”
Little did I know then how much I would rely on these words of wisdom during my session.
I arrived the next morning excited for what God had in store. As I made my way to the breakfast table for a cheese danish and a cup of coffee, one of the leaders whisked me into a side room where I was informed that an attendee from the previous evening was very upset with the handout exercise that would be covered in my session (yes, the same one that I’d submitted for approval). Attendees had received folders when they arrived the night before, complete with handouts and information for each session throughout the training. Without any context, the individual had become enraged that a church would be talking about the dreaded “P” word…privilege.
The leadership team handled the situation with both grace and courage. While the person wanted the workshop canceled, the team remained steadfast, understanding the value and importance of presenting diversity and inclusion to their leaders.
There was a time when this situation would have completely spun me. I would have second-guessed my content, choosing to rewrite it in the moment, eliminating anything that might be considered offensive in any way. Not this time. As I listened to the staff member convert the attendee’s concerns and position, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. I’d been prayerful over the content, this event, and the church. This wasn’t a personal attack on me. This was a direct reflection of what the pastors had warned about the previous evening…this was the Holy Spirit at work digging up the soil in this individual’s life. This was the upset, uncomfortable wrestling they had warned against.
Maybe you’re wondering:
”How do you know that’s what was going on? “
”How do you know it wasn’t just an angry, narrow-minded person?”
I don’t. But I do know what I’ve experienced in my own life. And I know what we had been praying for…and I know the challenge that the pastors presented the night before regarding what transformation looks and feels like. This situation checked every box.
I remember what it felt like when God began working in my own heart. I vividly recall the uncomfortable wrestling I felt in my soul as values, ideas, and theologies I’d held sacred came into question. It wasn’t easy to admit that things I’d been taught were wrong. Disbelief flooded my thoughts as I read, uncovering stories, experiences, and history that I’d never learned…not in high school, AP classes, or college. Because of my own experience, I could see and love the person who complained. I was able to meet them where they were and understand what they were going through, which allowed me to extend a level of compassion and empathy I wouldn’t have possessed early on.
I went on to teach the session as scheduled, giving everyone ten minutes to complete the handout during the workshop. The upset attendee chose not to stay, which I totally understand. Honestly, there was a time when I wouldn’t have attended a workshop like this either. While I’m not confrontational enough to address the topic with leadership, the old me would have chosen not to attend and then excused myself from the ministry while silently stewing.
Full transparency: there are times when I still feel that unsettled wrestle. My first reaction is to get angry or offended, but I now recognize that as God trying to get my attention.
Rather than getting upset, I’ve learned to ask myself and God one not-so-simple question: “Why does this trigger me so much?” And then I filter my emotion through these six steps:
1. I pray about it.
2. I sit with it.
3. I give God permission to reveal the ‘why’ behind my reaction. What is the true root of my reaction?
4. I confess it.
5. I lament it.
6. I surrender it.
In our society, so many topics, from race to politics to banned books to women preaching and SO much more, have created barriers to the way we see, value, and ultimately love others the way Jesus does. If we’re honest, it’s easier to judge others, make accusations and assumptions, and build thicker, higher walls than to humbly examine our own hearts while asking ourselves the tough question(s) that often uncover some not-so-pretty truths we’d prefer to keep hidden. And yet, self-examination is what Jesus commands of us.
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First, get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 (NLT)
What about you?
How do you respond when you’re triggered or feel that uncomfortable, unsettled wrestling deep inside? Do you tend to get angry or offended? Do you feel the need to defend your position? Or do you sit with the emotion to understand where it’s coming from?
How do you feel when you hear the word privilege? What feelings (if any) does it provoke in you?
Book Update
It’s been about three months since my agent sent my book proposal to potential publishers. Publishing is a slow business, so while this seems like a long time to wait, it’s a very normal part of the process.
Two of the five publishing houses have passed on the young women’s devotional. We’re still waiting to hear back from the other three, including my dream editor and publishing house. Please continue praying as we wait for God’s timing.
In the meantime, God’s opened up a new opportunity for me to begin freelance editing. Together with my long-time graphic designer friend, we’ve partnered with Growmentum Press to provide complete self-publishing services! So, if you have a book you’d love to get into the world and need some help publishing it, let me know. We’d love to have a free consultation with you!
Recommendation Spotlight!
I love children’s books! My personal library has several of them. Don’t let the pictures fool you. Children’s books are great resources for adults to learn and grow! One of my favorite people, Dr. Terence Lester, recently released his first children’s book with his teen daughter, Zion, as his co-author! How cool is that!?
Terence is a writer, author, storyteller, champion for dignity, founder of Love Beyond Walls, and From Streets to Scholarship, his weekly Substack blog. He has had a big influence on me as I’ve embraced diversity and learned to see and love like Jesus. So I’m beyond excited to share their book, Zion Learns to See: Opening Our Eyes to Homelessness.
Based on real-life events, this story follows Zion and her dad as they spend a Saturday at a community center. Zion learns about homelessness as she meets interesting people and discovers that everyone deserves dignity because everyone matters to God.
This sweet book will both warm your heart while challenging you to really see people through Jesus’ eyes. Grab your copy today…and grab an extra for a friend or your school library!
I’m beyond grateful you’ve chosen to read these words, spend time with me, and build a safe space for growth, healing, and community here at Mixed.ology. God is moving! And He’s invited us to participate in what He’s doing. I’m so glad we get to be on this adventure together!
Thank you for reading!
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I love seeing you on Substack! Great article 💖🙏🏼
This is such a beautiful process for working with triggers. I do something similar but I’m going to try out a few new steps suggested here too. Thanks for posting!