I didn't want to go... (Part 1)

From grief to grace: My unexpected journey among the redwoods

Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t want to pack another suitcase, board another plane, or have to be around more people.
I was tired - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It was only the end of March, and already the year had been A LOT!

• December - I chose to stay at my current job which I’d planned to step down from to pursue writing full-time. In the meantime, I’d accepted a second side job. So instead of writing full-time, I entered January with two jobs!

• January - My mother-in-law began her battle with cancer. Within a few short days, the news went from doctors saying, “If you have cancer, this is the one to have. It’s the easiest to treat,” to “This is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and it’s already spread.”

• February - My mother-in-law passed away. Although she lived across the country, she was still a huge part of our lives. From the minute I stepped through the garage door, over twenty years ago, she immediately made me feel like a daughter. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders, reading everything I wrote and always providing encouragement along the way.

• March - My husband and I flew back east to be with family, attend her celebration of life service, and begin walking through our grief.

I’d been home less than a week, as I sat on the sofa, dreading the thought of having to leave again for an upcoming writing conference. My mind and heart were exhausted. I knew I wouldn’t be able to absorb any information. All I wanted to do was sit in my sweatshirt and yoga pants with my favorite blanket, watch true crime documentaries and Netflix, order takeout, and not leave my sofa for a week. And cry…I’m not good at grieving. I knew my heart needed to process everything we’d been through, but I’ve learned over the years that I process and grieve better when I’m alone.

I tried to get out of going. I emailed the director whom I know well. While she was heartbroken for us, the deadline had passed for refunds from the host venue and there was nothing she could do financially.

I didn’t care. I was willing to take the loss.

I repeatedly asked my husband if I could stay home. And while he never forces me to do anything (I’m sure he’ll appreciate that I emphasized that fact), he kept reminding me that I always enjoy it once I’m there, and everything including the flight WAS already paid for.

“Even if you don’t get anything out of this time other than rest,” he said, “it will have been worth going.” Ugh! Why does he have to make so much sense?

The next morning, he dropped me off at the Southwest departure terminal and kissed me goodbye. With my carry-on, backpack, snacks, and heavy heart, I headed to my gate.

Open-handed

As I sat on the plane, I became a bit more excited. If nothing else, I would spend the next few days at one of my favorite places, Mt. Herman Christian Camp. Now before I go any further, one thing you have to know about me is that I am not an outdoorsy girl. I’ll gladly walk 20k steps any day at Disneyland, but please don’t ask me to go on a hike. I’m not even the glamping girl. So the fact that I repeatedly come to this conference nestled in the middle of the redwoods, surprises me. And yet, I’ve found this to be a sacred place. I’ve even described it as holy ground. I’ve been here three times, and God has met me in a special and unique way each year.

One, because the conferences’ prayer team doesn’t play. They bathe the conference in prayer. They usher the Holy Spirit in long before the first attendee arrives at the registration desk. Prayer is powerful, and this team understands that better than most. I’m grateful they intentionally invite the Holy Spirit into this space in anticipation of what God wants to do.

Second, it’s a special place because of its sheer beauty. I love the Vegas desert. The hot temps, blue sky, and various shades of brown are beautiful in their own way. But from the moment we exit from the CA-17 freeway and enter the canopy of redwoods and sequoias, I’m in awe. I try to take pictures, but a camera doesn’t do the place justice.

Redwoods at Mt. Herman Christian Camp

Sitting on the plane, I considered the next four days, deciding to be completely open-handed. No goals. No expectations. No agenda. In the past, I’d filled my days with workshops and appointments, soaking up every bit of knowledge as I attempted to crack the code into the publishing world. Not this time. This time, I wasn’t going to schedule anything. I’d let God set the pace and give myself the grace to show up as I could.

The nice thing about returning to a conference is the sense of familiarity—faces, places, and routine. I know where my usual room is. I look for friends from past years. I revisit trails as I wonder and pray. But this year, I just didn’t have it in me to be “on” and engage with people at the level I usually would. I wanted to blend in with the surroundings and quietly observe.

As I slipped into the evening worship session, I ran into Robynne, a good friend and the conference director, the one I’d emailed about backing out. Without a word, she wrapped her arms around me. My eyes stung as they tried to hold back the tears, she gently whispered, “I’m glad you’re here.”

At that moment, I knew God was going to meet me here again…I just didn’t know when or how.

Check out Part 2 for the unexpected way God met me among the redwoods, how He revealed His plan, and the incredible events that followed!

What about you?

• Do you have a favorite place where you repeatedly encounter God?

• When was the last time you obediently followed God’s leading even though you didn’t want to go? What happened?

I’d love to hear your story and how God is working in your life. Leave a comment to share your thoughts.

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A Little Something Extra…

Each week, I like to share a little something extra, something I’ve found fun or helpful. It might be a post, book, podcast, tv show, movie, song, Bible verse…or something else I think you’ll enjoy.

I love how God works! Before we even knew my mother-in-law was sick, I began seeing posts about grief in my Instagram feed. Two friends had recently released books on the grieving process, which I’d added to my library. Little did I know that God was providing resources for our grief journey before we even knew we needed them.

One thing’s for sure: Grief doesn’t play favorites. We will all experience our own at some point. At other times, we will need to support a friend or loved one through their grief. These books are wonderful resources to add to your library.

Breathing Through Grief By Dorina Lazo-Gilmore Young

Breathing Through Grief By Dorina Lazo Gillmore-Young

Dorina experienced the depths of grief several years ago when she found herself widowed with three young daughters. She felt lost in her grief. She wrote Breathing Through Grief to help others process through their own season. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, friendship, dream, season of life, or something else you held dear, this devotional journal reminds you that you aren’t alone and provides guidance, hope, and scripture on your road to healing.

Can You Just Sit With Me? By Natasha Smith

Can You Just Sit With Me? By Natasha Smith

Natasha Smith shares her grief journey after the death of her sister at only 32 years old. Along with others’ personal stories, reflections, and scripture, she points the reader back to Jesus who always sits with us in our grief for however long it takes. Whether you’re experiencing grief or supporting a grieving friend, this book is a wonderful resource because it reminds us that our loss is worthy of the time and grace it takes to grieve.

**If you purchase either or both books, please consider leaving a review on Amazon, Goodreads, Target, or Barnes and Noble. This is very helpful for authors.