What It's Like Being Mixed: Comment Controversy
What It's Like Being Mixed: Comment Controversy
Defending your mixed identity
This week, I found myself in a relatively new space - in the middle of social media comment blitz. It all started about a week ago when I randomly commented on a video on another account.
The reel (pictured above), shows a Mixed Race person responding as various ethnicities flash above his head. (Click on the image to see the full video).
It immediately resonated with me, reminding me of all the times I’ve felt the need to over-explain or defend my mix after answering the oh-so-common-question “What are you?” and receiving resistance to my response, which is a very common situation Mixed people navigate all the time. It’s hurtful and exhausting when your response to the question surrounding your racial identity is met with comments like:
“Really? You don’t look like________.”
”Yeah, but you’re only half so that doesn’t really count.”
”Stop fooling yourself. You’re way too light/dark to be _______.”
So I posted the following comment:
“So true! It’s like we’re walking mysteries for others to try to solve rather than people to get to know. Learning to embrace my whole mix without feeling the need to defend or explain it has been so healing & freeing. 🤎”
I hit submit and went about my merry way. Little did I know that those two sentences would cause such a controversy! As of this article, the reel has over 2 million views, with my specific comment receiving over 1,800 likes and 111 comments!
Initially, I had no idea the comment was generating such a response. Then my phone started buzzing with notifications.
One by one, I read the comments. While many were positive, just as many were incredibly rude. It’s social media so no, I wasn’t surprised. People can be vicious on the other side of a keyboard. In fact, a few weeks ago, one of my own posts in which I simply asked a question, received so much negativity that I considered taking down all of my accounts and walking away from this conversation all together.
This work - encouraging others to love their God-given blend and providing a safe space for hard conversations - had become the very thing I never wanted it to be…an argument filled with anger and offense instead of a conversation filled with grace. My heart ached. Their fiery darts opened a vulnerable wound. A wound so many mixed people carry with them daily - the felt need to be believed without justifying or defending their mix.
Comment Breakdown
So what were people saying?
I know many of you aren’t on social media and I totally respect that. Yet, I thought there was a lot we could learn from some of the comments. And I could share some insight from a Mixed perspective so we could learn from one another.
These three screen shots are actual comments directed at me within the comment thread. Let’s see what we can learn from them.
Great question!
There’s nothing wrong with curiosity. It’s how we learn. If you’ve followed me for a bit, you know I’m all for learning, growth, and safe spaces for hard conversations guided by grace. When you see a mixed person, it’s natural to find their unique physical features interesting or attractive. But asking someone what they are to simply satisfy your curiosity is frankly very shallow. We are people, not puzzles or mysteries to solve. If you’re curious, get to know the person. Invite them to coffee. Start a relationship. Learn their story. You can find out more in an article I wrote on How to Ask Someone About Their Ethnicity.
See how the tone is changing.
There are a couple of things to learn here:
Don’t speak to an experience that isn’t yours. This person says they aren’t mixed. So why are they weighing in on an experience they haven’t had? While they might get asked where they’re from, that’s different than subtly being asked "why do you look like that?”.
Our lived experiences aren’t “fictitious scenarios.” This part made me take a holy pause and count to ten, say a prayer, and discern if I should even respond. I did because I felt it was important to speak up. Just because you haven’t experienced something and felt the emotions tied to an event, doesn’t mean those emotions aren’t real and valid for someone else. This is a prime example of gaslighting. You might not be able to relate to someone’s story, but minimizing their experience to fit into a narrative you understand is dismissive and contrary to grace and growth.
This is a tough one for me because for some people this is true - even mixed people. They’ve never wrestled with their racial, ethnic, or cultural identity issues. So for them, these questions aren’t a big deal. However, for those who have, and there are many, it IS deep.
Asking questions about someone’s ethnic heritage can open deep wounds for a variety of reasons.
Maybe the person is part of an interracial adoption and they don’t have a connection to their birth culture.
Maybe the person wasn’t raised in a home that celebrated their ethnic heritage and culture so they don’t identify with it.
Maybe the person is deeply connected to their ethnic heritage but it differs from assumptions made based from their physical appearance.
Maybe there is family trauma the person isn’t ready to address and answering these type of questions is triggering for them.
Better Curiosity
So if curious is a good thing and it’s how we learn, how do we ask questions in a sensative way without unintentionally causing more pain?
Get to know the person as a person. Begin a friendship. Ask about hobbies, favorite foods, tv/movies. Keep it light. Ask yourself “Would I ask this question if the person looked like me?” If not…then it’s probably not worth asking until you’ve established a deeper friendship.
Conversations build relationships. Relationships build trust.
Trust builds opportunities to learn.
I’m cheering for you!
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A Little Something Extra…
Each week, I like to share a little something extra, something I’ve found fun or helpful. It might be a post, book, podcast, tv show, movie, song, Bible verse…or something else I think you’ll enjoy.
This week, I’m sharing one of my favorite Bible verses.
Growing up and even as an adult, this verse made me so angry at God. It says how we are fearfully (or meticulously) created. How wonderful God sees us. But I couldn’t see myself through His eyes. I only saw myself through the perspective of people - and they definitely didn’t have His vision.
Psalms 139:14 - I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (NIV)
I never saw myself as being wonderfully made. In fact, the concept made me even more angry. God had every cell and molecule at his disposal and this was the best He could come up with. Seriously! I saw myself as a misfit, a collection of unwanted parts. Remember the misfit toys from the holiday special? That’s where I thought I belonged.
After I began healing, I reread this verse and it began to take on a different meaning. Suddenly, I saw the first three words - I praise you… I had never praised God for choosing to make me the way He did. I found it’s really hard to be angry at God when you’re praising Him.
Friend, this verse is true for you too. YOU are wonderfully and purposefully made. When God looks at you He doesn’t see a mistake. He sees His masterpiece. And He longs for you to see yourself that way too.
It is usually the people who don't know and those who don't want to know that feel so entitled to comment. I said this to my friend today - as mixed people we still do not have a (loud enough) voice hence we need to create it. Every creation process is hard as there is still so much ignorance. I don't know if I'd even respond to these individuals but when it comes to the mixed community it is definitely worth to keep talking. So, great effort :-)